Pairing : Ryo/Shige
Author : binmusic
Rating : PG
Words : 1221
Summary : The title is self-explanatory I believe.
A/N : Beware of crack! Lol, that's really the biggest warning I can give. Another warning is that Ryo's a little whiny here while Shige is made of total win :] Oh and the first five "hints" are from Shige while the remaining five are from Ryo. That's all, enjoy! :D
1. Always have at least one female backup when going to any high end restaurants in case boyfriend is late or has a last minute photoshoot/drama filming. A plus if the female backup happens to be well proportioned and model-esque or if she just has big boobs.
"Hello? Hello, Shige? I'm going to be there in ten minutes okay? I'm wearing a scarf."
"You're already fifty minutes late Ryo, I don't see why you'd call to tell me you're ten minutes away."
"How many times do I have to say it Shige!? When you're in public you call me baby or honey, not Ryo!"
"Who'd you call this time?"
"Boobs. I'll be there in five."
"I'm still on the line Ryo. You know, your boyfriend? The one without boobs?"
"Is she wearing that dress again?"
"I'm at the front door."
2. Always be prepared to be ambushed by boyfriend for any of the following, cuddling, kissing, possible quickies in the bathroom and the killing of insects that may or may not include rodents.
"Pst! Shige! Come here!!"
"What is it Ryo? I'm talking to Koyama about the New York trip."
"Just come here."
"I need you."
"There's no way Ryo-chan's excited again! We just dealt with this an hour ago!"
"No, God you're perverted aren't you? There's a spider in there and it's BIG!"
"Don't just stand there, go kill it!"
3. When said boyfriend happens to be in two bands, both based in different parts of Japan, always have a schedule of the Shinkansen handy. Better yet, just memorize it.
"Shige, I miss you."
"I love you."
"I'll take the 11:10 Shinkansen."
"There's one that leaves in twenty minutes. You can make it if you hurry."
"I'll pick you up soon then!"
4. If boyfriend currently has a drama that is airing you must either a) tape the episodes and watch them quickly, pausing at scenes in which he appears in or b) remember to check online for spoilers/cute moments the fangirls are squealing over. Also, make sure you can enthusiastically re-enact a scene of the episode in case he choses to verify.
"Did you watch Ryusei last night?"
"It was really good, I like how the plot is developing."
"If you didn't watch it then just say so Shige."
Hey, hey, komatta toki wa yeah, O-T-G, otagaisama, yeah! Kono N-A-O, Nao-chan yeahhhh!!"
"...Don't do that in public idiot!"
(credits to spazzcrack )
5. When boyfriend is at least a head shorter than you, remember to slouch knees at a 25 degree angle during photoshoots regardless of whether you are standing next to him or not. Attempts to bribe the photographer for couch positioning should be made beforehand.
"I look like fucking Grumpy smurf next to you."
"Dwarf. Grumpy was one of the seven dwarves."
"You don't look that short, really."
"My lips look like they'd reach your chin or something."
"Eh, collarbone really, I don't think you'd reach the chin even."
6. If your idol boyfriend happens to also be a full time university student and tells you that he's got six finals all within the week, try to remember that a hand down his pants will not "help him relax" and will instead earn you a week without sex. If not more.
"Stop whining, I've got ten chapters of Public Law to get through."
"You need a break."
"No, what I need is to study."
"I know how to help you relax...."
"Get your hand out of my pants."
"Hands off the dick."
"Fine. I'll be staying at my parent's for a week."
"But I can't visit you at your parent's place."
7. Never publicly berate your boyfriend, including but not limited to: labeling him as a loser, stupid, or a failure, especially not on televised appearances such as SC that will be immortalized on the internet as further evidence that "Ryo hates Shige". It will earn you at least a month's worth of cold shoulder and absolutely no fanservice will be allowed.
Take it from Ryo, just don't do it.
8. Refrain from reading fanfiction off the internet and certainly do not attempt to re-enact the scenes. Especially not the "push against the wall and kiss him senseless ones," because said boyfriend is a) taller, b) stronger and c) not the one that bottoms. And yes, it is still impossible for a man to become pregnant.
"Msksjfng. What are you doing Ryo?!"
"I can see that, but why against the door where the knob, not to mention the locks, are digging into my back?"
"This was supposed to make you hot for me."
"I was hot for you, now I'm just pissed and not the good kind."
9. Crushing on a costar is frowned upon. Crushing on a female costar is strictly prohibited. Crushing on a female costar so blatantly that the LJ world immediately starts to write heterosexual fics for will warrant a slow and excruciating death.
"I don't like her at all! Her lips are too big and she doesn't even have big boobs."
"You can't even look her in the eye."
"Cos her eyes are ugly and you know I hate looking at ugly things."
"I stutter all the time."
"Ryo, you just asked her not to look at you when she's talking to you!!"
"...I'm sorry! She makes me nervous okay?!"
"So you admit to having a crush then?"
"I-it'll pass, it always does."
"Sure, tell me when it passes, until then I'll be at Koyama's."
10. If you've written numerous of your own solo songs, ensure that at least one of those songs are about your boyfriend. And if it so happens that none of them are, under no circumstances do you tell him it's about an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/hired professional. Just say a) it came to you in a dream, b) was written for the fangirls or c) was inspired by your mother.
"Nishikido-san, there's a question directed towards you. 'ordinary is such an amazing song, what was your inspiration and who is the you that you keep referring to?"
"Oh um, it's really no one special."
"Nishikido-san, you obviously had someone in mind didn't you? I can't help but notice that most of your solo work is about love."
"Really? I didn't notice."
"Please share with our readers and listeners Nishikido-san, it seems as if the rest of your bandmates are curious too."
"Oh yes, we're very curious."
"Kato-san agrees with me."
"Ah, well then, you could say ordinary was inspired by...my grandmother."
"Your grandmother? You wanted to tell your grandmother that you want her to 'please stay by your side'?
"Is there a problem with that?"
"Oh! No, of course not! Your grandmother must be so pleased. Kato-san is there something you wanted to add?"
"Yes, Nishikido-kun, I thought your grandmother passed away when you were ten."
"I was talking about my other grandmother."
"Oh, the one that passed away when you were just a baby?"
"My other grandmother."
"I wasn't aware you had another one."
"Well, I happen to think of all grandmothers as my grandmother. Is that alright with you?"
"If you say so Nishikido-kun."